Kari Maaren

I Just Want to Live

This is the third song in my series of "if there were--but there isn't--a work entitled Horror! the Musical..." songs.  It is a heartbreaking ballad about wanting to live at any expense, even if you end up simply a bundle of screaming atoms trapped forever in horrific pain.


I Just Want to Live
The night is still:
Too still.  And I know what that means.
Where there's a will,
There's still no way.  The in betweens
And ifs and whens and maybe nots
All fade away.  Connect the dots.
So little left to do, but lots
Of ways to die.

I've one request;
I know you'll laugh, but hey, come on:
Will it be best
To kill me now?  I'm still your pawn,
And I can be of use to you
In all the awful things you do.
If you need someone you can chew
Up, know that I,
I just want to live.

I've heard that you
May cut me up and then consign
My organs to
Arcane experiments.  That's fine.
The agony may make me sob
As my exposed nerve endings throb,
But I suppose that is your job,
And I'll survive.

Use me as bait;
Stake out my body on the plain.
Go on and sate
Your appetite; it's only pain.
Imprison me inside a hole;
Transform my body into coal,
Or if you like, suck out my soul.
I'll be alive,
And I just want to live.

I could live
Entombed in someone's stomach lining,
Transfigured into feces,
Maimed by a curse confining
Me to no single species,
Trapped within a burning ember
Or inside my own reflection,
Subjected to dismember-
Ment and to vivisection.
Stripped and skinned and still aware,
Brain implanted in a bear,
Stored and harvested for spare
Parts, or blasted into air.
Mince me, change me,
Rearrange me,
Make me give you all I have to give,
But I just want to live.

I've heard it said
My predilection to reprise
The plea, "Not dead!"
Means I've got skewed priorities.
But plunge me into fear and strife,
Hack out my liver with a knife,
Lobotomise me; it's still life,
And that's okay.

My one regret
Is that I'm just not very strong.
I'll live, and yet,
I fear I won't live very long.
I must transcend my fragile frame,
Though it be mangled or aflame.
Some would protest it's not the same.
To them I say:
I just want to live.

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Content copyright Kari Maaren 2013
Images copyright Kari Maaren, Phil Mills, Erik Mohr, and Karl Stahl 2013